I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Verdict: uncircumcised.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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