bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize