dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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