I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
