you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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