im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
