brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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