he shaved USA in his pubs
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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