I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
