I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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