he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
