The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
