why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Mom said you looked used
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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