Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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