The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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