All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
