I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my shit smells like andre
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
its liver damage thursday
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