i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
