What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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