3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
