I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
