When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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