Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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