my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
