i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My vagina just recognized that song.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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