I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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