Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize