When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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