found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sext me about skeletons
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
