I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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