This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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