i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
