FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
