I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He shit in the fireplace
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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