The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
