I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
