whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize