I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
