saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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