She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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