My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
