just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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