my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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