we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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