Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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