Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize