I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
