the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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