I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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