I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
