I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You ruined the universe
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
