at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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