someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize