i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My breasts were aching with rage.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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