When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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