I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
