tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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